Gardening, Covenants, and Enduring Love

"Nurtured by the Word" by Greg Olsen

After graduating from BYU, our family moved to Arizona to be closer to some extended family living there. We could only afford a small apartment at first, so, anxious to be self-reliant and care for our young family's needs, we asked a family member if we could use some of their backyard for a garden. They agreed and we got started.

The sunbaked earth in Mesa, Arizona, isn’t exactly dirt and it certainly isn’t soil for a garden. It’s much more like clay, which meant we really had our work cut out for us. We borrowed a tiller to start breaking up the chunks of ground and mixing in soil and fertilizer. We researched what to plant and when to plant it. We made furrows for planting squash, set up strings for the pea plants to climb, bought wire cages for the tomatoes, and built mounds for the melons and cucumbers. It was perhaps a bigger project than we expected, so we were delighted when we had finally put the last seed in the ground.

Of course, planting was only the beginning. We had arranged for our family member to help water the plants during the week, but we still needed to visit at least weekly to weed and care for the plants. It was always incredible to see how many weeds could grow in a single week, especially when nothing had grown in that spot for years (or maybe ever). The weeds grew so fast, I sometimes lectured the plants under my breath that if they would just grow like the weeds did maybe we could be harvesting by now. The plants didn’t seem to listen, so back we’d go with our one-year-old son to pull what we hoped would mostly be weeds and attend to any other needs in our little garden.

After a while, the excitement completely wore off. With busy work, graduate school, and church schedules, it was easy to wish we could spend what free time we had doing something fun or relaxing as a family. There were days when I would have volunteered to do nothing rather than going to care for the garden, but we knew we wouldn't harvest much if the weeds took over. So, while we slacked off a little here and there, we kept going most weeks to do what needed to be done in our little garden.

Excitement returned when the first zucchini were ready to be harvested. They were so big and so good! The squash and tomatoes soon followed. Though the results were delayed, we were grateful for the garden that gave us so much good food.

We also began to see how even occasional negligence had diminished what the garden could have been. If we had set up shade for the cucumbers and peas in time, they might not have withered in the hot Arizona sun. If we had been there to get the melons off the ground when they first began to grow, the bottoms may not have rotted. We didn't intend for these things to happen when we decided to skip a day in the garden, but they were the natural consequences of our inconsistent care.

Our marriages can be like a garden. As I share some principles in the context of marriage, I invite you to think about your relationship with your spouse, if you have one, or, if you are presently single, your part in the covenant marriage relationship the Lord will give you, when the time is right, if you desire it. C.S. Lewis observed:

Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling.

Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called ‘being in love’ usually does not last. If the old fairy-tale ending ‘They lived happily ever after’ is taken to mean ‘They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,’ then it says what probably never was nor ever would be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships?

But, of course, ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense—love as distinct from ‘being in love’—is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself.

They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be ‘in love’ with someone else. ‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.

Speaking of engines, most of us think of our cars, and the engines in them, as an investment. That isn’t strictly true from a financial management perspective, but we treat our vehicles as investments anyway. It costs a lot of money to buy a car. We probably took some time with our last vehicle purchase to research which one could fit enough passengers, had the right mileage or price or color, and any other features that were important to us. When we found the one we wanted, we signed the purchase agreement and were excited to drive it home.

Anyone who has ever owned a car knows that they require consistent care and maintenance. We make sure there is gas in the tank and air in the tires. We make sure the oil gets changed when it should and that the tires get rotated. The brakes and air filters need to be replaced periodically and the fluids need to be topped off. Every so often, you make sure to wash and wax the car and vacuum the inside. Sometimes your car needs new windshield wipers or spark plugs or a new windshield altogether. Some of us may have put covers over the seats and steering wheel to protect the interior. When collisions or malfunctions occur, we try to fix them if we can. We are always working on our cars because we know they represent a significant investment of our resources and we want them to last; and in the hands of a skilled mechanic, they can last for decades. In fact, if we care for them well enough, they become an investment even from a financial management perspective.

In a similar way, each of us probably did some research when we were dating our spouse to make sure they had the characteristics and features that were important to us. We fell in love, signed our legally-binding marriage certificate, and were excited for our new life together. This was the planting, the explosion that got our engines running. Our marriages will require consistent care and maintenance if we are to experience the deep unity of enduring love and become "one flesh" (D&C 49:16), as the Lord directs, after the excitement of being in love wears off.

In 2006, then-Elder Russell M. Nelson taught that, "marriage brings greater possibilities for happiness than does any other human relationship. Yet some married couples fall short of their full potential. They let their romance become rusty, take each other for granted, allow other interests or clouds of neglect to obscure the vision of what their marriage really could be. Marriages [like gardens] would be happier if nurtured more carefully" (Nurturing Marriage, April 2006).

Elder Nelson went on to suggest that we could more carefully nurture our marriages by understanding the doctrinal foundations for marriage and then taking specific actions to strengthen our relationship. He taught:

Marriage is the foundry for social order, the fountain of virtue, and the foundation for eternal exaltation. Marriage has been divinely designated as an eternal and everlasting covenant. Marriage is sanctified when it is cherished and honored in holiness. That union is not merely between husband and wife; it embraces a partnership with God. 'Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other' (The Family: A Proclamation to the World). Children born of that marital union are 'an heritage of the Lord' (Psalms 127:3). Marriage is but the beginning bud of family life; parenthood is its flower. And that bouquet becomes even more beautiful when graced with grandchildren. Families may become as eternal as the kingdom of God itself.

Marriage is both a commandment and an exalting principle of the gospel... True happiness [in marriage] is predicated upon personal purity... Marriage should ever be a covenant to lift husbands and wives to exaltation in celestial glory.

Marriage was intended by the Lord to endure beyond physical death... Priesthood offices, keys, callings, and quorums are meant to exalt families. Priesthood authority has been restored so that families can be sealed eternally.

With these doctrinal underpinnings, we can take specific actions to improve our marriages. In his 2006 talk, Elder Nelson suggested that we could learn to better appreciate one another, better communicate with one another, and spend more time contemplating together the sacred covenants we have made. Each of us might consider these invitations and any other ways we might feel we can nurture our relationships in a spirit of selflessness and generosity.

Now, in cars, love, and gardening, we don’t always get the ideal scenario. Some seeds are planted by professionals in the fertile soils of the Salinas or San Joaquin Valleys and others are left for amateurs to bury in the hard clay of Arizona. Some seeds may seem to grow well for a while and then become choked by weeds or begin to wither under the heat of some intense pressure; but whatever our circumstance, our seeds will grow when we appropriately and consistently nurture, weed, and care for them.

President Gordon B. Hinckley shared this quote from Jenkin Lloyd Jones in a speech at BYU in 1973:

Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he [or she] has been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just like people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, and most jobs are more often dull than otherwise.

Life is just like an old-time rail journey… delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.

To be clear, this does not excuse marital abuse, neglect, or infidelity. In a relationship between a married couple and the Lord, these offenses are grievous sins against your spouse and against the Lord. The Lord makes it clear that it would have been better for us to have not been born than to commit such offenses, and especially to do so and leave them without correction and the most sincere and difficult kind of repentance. He makes it equally clear that, while we are all required to forgive those who have offended us, we are not required to continue to endure or return to an abusive relationship. Any sort of manipulation that is strung together to make you think otherwise is just that—manipulation. It is not inspired. It is not from God.

Elder Holland taught, “In a dating and courtship relationship, I would not have you spend five minutes with someone who belittles you, one who is constantly critical of you, one who is cruel at your expense and may even call it humor. Life is tough enough without the person who is supposed to love you leading the assault on your self-esteem, your sense of dignity, your confidence, and your joy. In this person’s care, you deserve to feel physically safe and emotionally secure.”

But outside of those situations, which one would hope are more rare than common, it helps to remember that planting is only the beginning. "[Love] is a deep unity maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God." So what thoughts and desires do you allow to direct your will? What habits have you built to deliberately strengthen your relationship with your spouse? Are you asking the Lord for his grace and blessing in your prayers? Are you treating your relationship with the consistency and attentiveness you would give to a great investment? In the words of a local football coach, can you win with the effort that you are giving?

Elder David A. Bednar has taught that "we grow to love those whom we serve" (If Ye Had Known Me, October 2016). If we start to feel like our relationships are mostly smoke and cinders, selflessly serving our spouse with the same diligence we might give a new car or a nice garden will help us clear the weeds and get us back on track.

Whether married or single, we should also be mindful that Christ compares our relationship with him to a marriage. Conversion for many of us requires some research. If we "give place, that a seed may be planted in [our hearts], behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if [we] do not cast it out by [our] unbelief... behold, it will begin to swell within [our] breasts... [and we] will begin to say within [ourselves]-- It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me" (Alma 32:28).

We are excited when we are baptized and enter an eternally-binding covenant relationship with our Savior. That union is not between ourselves and our Savior alone; it embraces a partnership with God. Most of us have patches of hard clay in our hearts, which means we have our work cut out for us. The Savior invites us to take his yoke upon ourselves so that he can help us carry our burdens. He invites us to put our lives in His hands-- the hands of the Master Gardener and Skilled Mechanic for our hearts. But this is only the planting, the explosion that gets our engines running. Consistent care, maintenance and nurturing is needed if we are to "be one" with Christ (John 17:20-21).

We can more carefully nurture our relationship with Christ as we seek in the scriptures, through the words of the prophets, and in sincere prayer, to understand the doctrinal underpinnings of our covenants with Him and then take specific actions to strengthen our relationship. We might consider developing more gratitude for the blessings the Lord has given us, learning to better communicate with Him and hear His voice, spending more time contemplating the sacred covenants we have made, and any other ways we might feel we can nurture our relationship in a spirit of humility and selflessness.

Our relationship with our Savior brings greater possibilities for happiness than any other relationship we can have. That happiness as a covenant disciple of Christ is predicated upon our personal purity. Our covenants with God include the gift of the Holy Ghost, who will sanctify us and lead us to make and keep sacred covenants in the temple that are designed to lift us to exaltation in the Celestial Kingdom.

Yet, sometimes we let our relationship with Christ fall short of its full potential. In the months and years following our baptism, we often do not always feel the same burning spiritual confirmation, or "swelling motions," that helped us know the truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ and its restoration in modern times. Our lives get busy and we sometimes don't want to do the spiritual work to maintain our relationship with Him. We allow clouds of neglect to obscure the vision of what our relationship with Him could be.

When we are inconsistent in maintaining our relationship with Christ, we sometimes miss blessings we could have otherwise received. Deep unity in our relationship with Christ is maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which we ask, and receive, from God.

So what thoughts and desires do you allow to direct your will? What habits have you built to deliberately strengthen your relationship with Christ? Are you treating your covenant relationship with the consistency and attentiveness you would give to a great investment? Can you win with the effort you are giving?

When we start to feel like our relationship with Christ is smoke and cinders, we can remember Elder Bednar's teaching that "selflessly serving others counteracts the self-centered and selfish tendencies of the natural man. We grow to love those whom we serve. And because serving others is serving God, we grow to love Him and our brothers and sisters more deeply [when we serve]. Such love is a manifestation of the spiritual gift of charity, even the pure love of Christ" (If Ye Had Known Me, October 2016). God knows this and wants us to be wildly successful, so he has asked us to promise, and even to covenant, that we will bear one another’s burdens, mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort (Mosiah 18:8-10).

Our relationships with God and our Savior, Jesus Christ, are reflected in the way we love one another. We cannot love God while we are belittling or criticizing His children—and that means any of His children for any reason, regardless of our age, relationships, political views, cultural heritage, or anything else. We cannot ignore our covenants to minister and serve one another without some blessings withering or rotting on the vine. And similarly, we cannot deny the Lord time together in prayer, scripture study, and in the temple, and expect to have oil in our lamps to light the way today, particularly through our darkest times, and be prepared for when He comes again.

Thankfully, the opposite is also true. A kind word or a plate of cookies can connect us with our brothers and sisters and bring joy into our lives and theirs. Helping someone complete a project or a chore can build fellowship and understanding. I have seldom given a priesthood blessing when I did not feel the love of the Lord for the person receiving that blessing. Careful scripture study, sincere prayers, and devoted temple attendance bring peace and faith into our lives. Each of these things—joy, love, patience, understanding, peace, and faith—are fruits of the Spirit of the Lord (Galations 5:22-23) and evidence of His forgiveness for us and our relationship with Him.

Though our effort to nurture the garden in Arizona was imperfect, the consistency of that effort led to a bountiful harvest that was likely much more than we deserved. To this day, we still don't know how we got so many zucchini! In a similar way, though our effort will not always be perfect, the Lord has promised those who consistently keep their covenants with Him, and with their spouses, that their relationships will endure beyond the grave. They will have happiness in peace through the trials of this life and throughout eternity. Together, as one flesh united with God, they will inherit all that He has, certainly more than any of us could ever deserve, and the bud of their marriage will flower into the abundant garden of their posterity (D&C 132:19).